Spring Break Day Three

Haiti, Love and Marriage, The Continuation of the High School Flirting

   After spending a day on Haiti getting terribly burned, Abilene picks me up after dinner.  Just like a high school date.  And just like a high school date, I fail to introduce him to my parents.  We have nothing to do so we wander around.  The poking, tickling and the playground romance continues.  I get completely freaked out because he flat out says that he thinks I'm pretty and nice so I know that he is interested in me, however he is a high school kid.  He has no idea what the hell he is going to do with his life and is as simple as a puppy. I know I need to ditch him, but I have no idea how.  Plus no one can abandon a puppy!
   He takes me to dinner at the Windjammer where we end up seeing Canada and Florida.  We make tentative plans to meet up at Blaze later in the evening.  We continue our evening with a post-dinner walk around the ship.  The poking, tickling and flicking continues as he makes attempts to block my path and tries to make any attempt to grab at me.  He then tells me that he made plans to see the "Love and Marriage Game Show" with a few people he met while playing ping-pong. I oblige, happy to meet some (hopefully) not high schoolers.
  This is how I meet Austin and Dallas.  Austin and Dallas are two adorable cousins, however I don't have an opportunity to speak to them as Abilene takes up most of my time and attention as most puppies do.  We go to the game show and Abilene jokes about how awful it would be if we were asked to go on stage.  I don't even know how to respond to this.
   After the game show we (Austin, Dallas, Abilene and myself) go to the club, which this night has been moved to the upper deck.  The party is pretty awesome and is even sponsored by Malibu Rum.  It's all decorated and cool because it is outside so there are more open spaces and it's not as warm.
  It is here that I finally see my wing woman.  I had gotten her room number the night before from a few Jersey dudes, so I had been calling her all day to no success.  We hug and get real room numbers and make plans to grab lunch the next day.

The Malibu Party (Also Canada and Florida)

   So I dance with Abilene (who is really awkward, especially because I refused to dirty dance high school style with him the previous night), Austin and Dallas.  Abilene eventually leaves, but says he will come back in ten minutes.  So I continue to dance with Austin and Dallas and we go off to the side and chat for a bit.  They're both hilarious and really nice and the best news of all is that Austin is in college (HOORAY!).  However Abilene doesn't come back so Austin, Dallas and I go to bed but not before we make plans to meet for lunch the next day.
  So this is my first taste of vacation romance high school style.

Spring Break Day Two

AT SEA
   So after making plans for 10:30 a.m. following a three a.m. bedtime I obviously fail to meet my new wing woman. We set an additional 12:30 lunchtime just in case. Yet she did not see me or I didn’t wait long enough to see her. In either case, inviting everyone I had met the night before did have its consequences. I ended up meeting with two boys, Canada and Florida, from the previous night, both of whom I’d met and spoken to very briefly.
   Anyway, we grab lunch at the Windjammer and try to get to know one another. Getting to know people on cruises is a bizarre experience because you have to cram one entire biography into a few sentences without sounding boring. Additionally when you talk to people who are 18-20 (those who are legal on the islands, yet not on the ship. The very hellish limbo that haunts those who don’t know how to avoid it or can’t have fun in the vacation purgatory) they are only able to talk about the following:
1. Not getting booze

Florida and Canada

2. How wasted they are going to get on the islands
3. How drunk they get at home
4. How not getting smashed for two days blows
5. How hammered their friends are getting
Needless to say conversation is incredibly limited. Yet I continue to pursue the friendship.
   We decide to wander around the ship and attempt to tan. Yet it is so windy that we cannot do so unless we want our iPods to blow away (in fact when we politely put our chairs away they almost fly off of the ship). So we basically wander the ship and explore – doing pretty much what most young people do. We get food sit and chat about our lives and try to get to know each other. In fact, I get to know them so well that I have the privilege of meeting Canada’s father and crazy (drunk) grandmother. 
   It becomes pretty clear that Florida wants to get with me. However this juiced-out bro doesn’t stand a chance. First of all he is an uber-conservative who only likes gay people when they are hot women who make out with one another freely. Secondly and most importantly is he is a high-schooler. Yes. I hang out with people who are my brother’s age. However, I am desperate for friends so I chill with them without comment. After hot- tubbing for a bit I get ready for dinner but tell them to meet up later at Blaze, the club/bar.
    After dinner I try to meet them but fail and my brother gives me a message that my wing woman wants to meet me at karaoke. In the time between my failed meeting and karaoke I wander around the ship some more. While wandering I see a few guys around my age smoking cigars. They wave me over and ask if I want to join them. I, of course, oblige because I am desperate for friends.
   This is how I meet Abilene, a plucky high schooler who has the voice of Matt Saracen of Friday Night Lights. He also played football like Matt Saracen and went to a high school where FNL was filmed. So although he is in high school I find him quite adorable (in an "awww" kind of way). We hang out and talk (I use my usual get-to-know-you questions. He doesn’t know what to say- mostly because I don't think he's had  a conversation with a woman before).  He uses his southern charm to tell me how beautiful I am and points out all of the other guys who check me out.  This is high school flirting at its finest.
    We go to karaoke in hopes that I see my wing woman. However, my wing woman fails to show up. But we still stay for an hour and make fun of the drunk people who attempt to sing.  The high school flirtation continues as he tickles and pokes me.  I realize that I have completely forgotten about this kind of elementary flirting and am slightly charmed. I see the other boys, Florida and Canada from earlier in the day and make plans to see them at Blaze. I see Canada’s dad and he chats for a bit and his grandmother is already drunkenly screaming. This is a blast.
   We eventually go to Blaze where I dance with the three high schoolers, Canada’sgrandmother and father. Canada’s dad tells me how lucky I am to be dancing with three very attractive men.

This is when I realize that I should be hanging out with people who are in college.

Spring Break Dating: Day Uno

Background
   I am a cruise aficionado. A cruise expert. I know my way around a cruise ship like some So-Hos know their way around a penis. I know how to get to the Windjammer (cruise-speak for cafeteria/buffet) in minutes – no matter the ship. I know the different teen hangouts and the curfews that apply to each age group as I am a Fuel Alumna. I know what underwear should not be worn on formal night (See-through anything  – you’ll take the elevator due to heels and be wearing a dress. Obviously pervy 12 year olds will camp out below the glass elevators for a glimpse of anything). I know how to spot a cruise newbie from down the promenade (They can be seen rocking a lobster-red burn and cornrows. Often this combination is seen on formal nights).
   Yeah, I grew up on cruises. From the ages of 15-18 I took five cruises (Yes, in the year 2006 I took 3 cruises. This is even absurd to me). However it was on my first “adult” cruise (as in the year I could not longer hang out in Fuel) I was introduced to the art of the bar pickup.
   I adjusted to this bar pick-up (as a sober high school kid) as many alcoholics adapt to their first whiskey. I have the smile, the hair flip, the eye twinkle, the wiggle and perhaps most important of all – the energy.
   That cruise I flirted and teased many an older man (I was the youngest person in the club most of the time because I was... well barely legal). I was able to dance and get a crowd on the dance floor. So I was christened “bar star”. Now the nickname didn’t stick (obviously) but the idea behind it did. In a room full of strangers I have some charisma that most of my friends will never know.
First Night Out
   So immediately after a woefully cruise-ish (campy) performance of “Chicago” I go to the 18-20 year old meet and greet. In the past this has been the surefire way to meet people. Boy, am I wrong.
   There is one – as my brother dubs “Edward” who will surely be both fucked and fucked up in minutes. There is a creepy engineer (evidently I can’t get rid of them even on vacation) and a girl.
No luck.
   The girl and I end up talking to some dudes from Jersey. These guys are my normal type. Hipster-ish guys who play guitar, in skinny jeans who study bullshit things like communication and are really pretentious. These are the guys who eat the story about me being a burnt out musician right up. They, however, have been traveling all day and are a bit tired to mingle.
   Although I have been traveling since ten at night (the previous night) the girl and I go to the bar/club yet again. I am armed only in a white mini that has been retired since my junior year of high school and a very oversized top. I brave the constant stream (I wish I was joking) of men who attempt to hit on me. As soon as one guy hit on me the next guy would come up to only be rejected. Whenever I hit the dance floor with my trusty Wing Woman another man would accost me and interrupt my dance (to Duck Sauce, no less).  WW and I gleefully giggle at all of these old drunks and crazies who have neither shame nor pride.  However all flows must be dammed and the night ends after a final wave of guys hit and leave me with a drink spilled on my white mini after continually offering shots. That is the way to woo a Spring Break dame, my friend.
Oh well, at least I know I still have a groove… or something.

College Dating - Spring Break Edition!!!! The Art of the Vacationship

    I just came back from a lovely Spring Break vacation.  Spring Break is obviously a mecca for college-aged hormones to overflow in so many different combinations. 
   This Spring Break I spent the week traveling through the Caribbean so the next few entries are going to be about "dating" on spring break.  As a sort of primer I will first discuss the vacationship.
    For a bit of background-  I am a bit notorious for my love of the vacationship. So notorious in fact, that immediately after my trip I received e-mails (somewhat in jest) asking if I fell in love.  The reason I love vacationships are simple - it's a relationship with a deadline.  You know that it's going to be up in a week so you're going to make it as awesome as possible.  This means that you get all of the really fun times with no drama!  Of course, a vacationship is much more than that.

Definition:
   A vacationship is a relationship that begins and ends in the course of a vacation. This means a guilt-free, no-strings-attached hookup without the negative aspects of an actual relationship (real commitment, breakups, taking one another out on dates, drama, meeting the parents). However, most of the time this requires both parties to be willing to be exclusive for the entirety of the vacation.

  Pros and Cons:
   This has several advantages and disadvantages. Some obvious advantages are guaranteed booty. In a vacationship you don’t have to go to the bars every night hitting on the most spliffed-up, unattractive monster in order to get some. This is because you’ve already got your partner- so the booty hunt is over. Another huge advantage is the whole guilt-free aspect. This means that you can do what you want for a week without feeling like a slut. As wonderful as all of this stuff is, there are some disadvantages. An immediate commitment is required. This means that your time chasing tail is pretty much over because you’re going to be with one person the entire vacation duration. So there is no use trying to upgrade to a higher grade, classier partner. If you do choose to use the trade-up model the vacationship is reduced to a vacation hook-up and the feelings of guilt and sluttiness may apply.

Requirements:
   Although there are a myriad of lovely advantages in having a vacationship these benefits may only apply if certain requirements are followed. The first is instant chemistry. This obviously must be mutual (this might seem obvious, but some people do not understand this aspect). The second is the willingness to just see (or insert euphemism alternative here) each other. The third is a freedom within the vacationship that allows both parties to spend time with their friends. So yes, in a vacationship flirting and titillating is allowed and even encouraged. Obviously the biggest factor of the three is the exclusivity. Both parties are only allowed to mess around with one another (unless they chose to add another or whatever). If either party strays the vacationship is degraded because it’s no longer a pseudo relationship. It is just a random vacation hook-up.

So?
   Vacationships are awesome. They allow you to go after someone you never would in real life. Have a secret fantasy about a Marine, middle-aged man, mother or midget? GO FOR IT! The vacationship  allows you to feel guiltless when you’re with someone your friends would never approve of. It allows you to be with someone even you wouldn’t normally approve of. So in this way the vacationship is not only a vacation from the stresses of real life and dating but it’s also a vacation from you.

College Dating Seminar One - Facebook Flirtations: Poking and Messaging

 NEW SERIES!!
   I have been incredibly busy lately (midterms, birthday parties - Happy Birthday Yental CM!, musicals, etc.) and have been unable to go on very many dates as of late. Also I have been working on this project all by my lonesome (as in without the aid of Yentals) for the past few dates. This makes things much more difficult. While I have several on-going flirtations – nothing has been going on at the moment. So for these slow periods I am going to be posting “College Dating Seminars” with topics like “Tawdry Texting”, “The Lost Art of the Phone Call” and “In-Class Romance". So to start off this series I will be talking about the all-important Facebook Flirt: Poke and Message Edition.  (Warning - This is obviously directed for a college audience so the language is for such.  This is not for the faint of heart)

The Facebook Flirtation
   When two people like one another in college – the idea is to communicate the most with the least amount of effort. This dance is perfectly demonstrated on Facebook. There are about four types of communications that can be done through Facebook (if there are more, please let me know): the poke, the message, the wall post, chat. Each of these has their own merits and varies in complexities and effort.

The Poke
   The laziest of all of these is the poke. If a person thinks another is hot, cute, sexy, fuckable (or all of the above) one party will “poke” another party. This is possibly the laziest way to let a person know that you are interested. If the poke is reciprocated then the person is obviously declaring “I am fine with you poking me electronically, so obviously I am fine with a literal poke as well. And no, I don’t care what you poke me with.”
   The most important part of the poke is its ambiguity. I mean really, what the hell is a poke? That’s the magic. It can be interpreted by the poker and pokee in any which way. So if the poker thinks “I wanna bang this guido.” And the pokee thinks,“Meh…Whatevs” it really doesn’t matter because the fact that the fact that the poke is taking place is all that matters. It conveys interest and this is all anyone cares about – even if it is “Meh”.
   Another important thing to note is that the poke is private. No one knows when or where a poke takes place. This is much like the common "fuck-buddy". Everyone knows someone is getting some action – however the sources are questionable. The person is ashamed of their buddy and they’re not going to tell anyone about who they are poking.   In this way the poke is not unlike the secret family every CEO is embarrassed to have. The poke is privately admitting that someone “beneath” you is attractive. This only happens in the world of Facebook and with the rich and famous.
   Yet laziness is not the only reason for a poke. The poker is also too afraid to confront this person in real life. This may be because the poker is a "reacher" and the person he or she is poking would never reciprocate his or her un-electronic poke.   This person is afraid to be rejected in reality.  However if this person receives no return poke there is truly no harm.  Electronic rejection is more painless than the stinging sorrows of a refusal in reality.
   However, BEWARE OF THE POKE!!!! The poke mostly went out of style in high school. While the lone poker still remains – these are the people who have not gotten the hint that poking is a taboo only exercised by those who have child-molesting tendencies.

The Message
   A second private form of Facebook communication that also is slothful is the message. This is the same as an e-mail except even lazier. This is because college students are slaves to Facebook so it takes absolutely no effort or energy to check the Facebook message whereas it takes time to respond to an actual e-mail because one must log into the proper channels. The Facebook message can range from the embarrassed “hey” to the lengthy confession.
   This is a truly lazy form of flirtation as it is a convenience-driven form of courtship. One party opts to respond to another when they are on Facebook (and let’s face it, in college that is almost always). However, if they don’t feel like typing out a response, they don’t have to. It is passive and apathetic – like all forms of co-ed wooing.
   Ultimately the message in no way differs from the e-mail except for that it is far lazier than the e-mail and it is more difficult to forward. This means that there is a little more privacy with the message.  At the same time there is less spam involved in the Facebook message so you know that the person is doing a little more than pushing a forward button (therein lies a paradox).

What's next?
So this is going to be my last entry for a little while.  I'm going on spring break and I will not have too much internet access.  However, when I get back I will be right back at it!
Also - I am having trouble getting dates.  Any and all help will be appreciated.
Anything I missed with poking or messaging?  Suggestions for future seminars?  Let me know below!

Date Seven (The first, second date)

The Set-Up
Two days after my first date with Date Six, I was called and asked out again. He decided to take me out to sushi. Huzzah!

The Date
   He picks me up a little late. That is all right as I am usually late to everything (yeah, it’s bad). We go to the restaurant, or try to anyways. He has no idea how to get there so we drive in circles for about twenty minutes. This is also okay, except we are now late for our reservation. That is if there was a dinner reservation. When my date requests the reserved table there is no such reservation to be found. This also is tolerable, but now means there is an extra twenty minutes of time that must
be filled with conversation. Conversation is stretching a little thin after the aimless driving.
   We finally get seated. Dinner is fine. The food is good but I can not get a read on this guy. He seems to be driven (he talks non-stop about his internship in Seattle. Washington is a nice state- but I am not a 90’s grunge babe so I do not care) but, he also comes of as a slight alcoholic who doesn’t know how to spend anytime outside of drinking and taking random girls out (seriously, when he wasn’t talking about Washington he was talking about drinking. One dollar pint night? I do not care). He tries to be intelligent (He sort of knows about world events and other things), but he often has no idea what the hell he is talking about (He talks about the things he kind of knows stuff about in a fake-pseudo-] intellectual jargon that often tricks uneducated and unsuspecting women).
   These radical personality differences are often associated with highly unstable people who are on some type of medication. However, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think that he is trying to project who I want him to be, and he can’t decide who that is.
   So we get done with dinner- he pays – we leave and get a movie. However, as we are getting the movie he gets a phone call from his very drunk roommates. He asks me if it is okay if he picks them up. I tell him I do not care (this is a mistake). So he goes to campus to get them. In order to snap them out of their drunken stupor he screams at them, blasting both my eardrums and any hope I once had for this relationship. The roommates are not ready so we drive around campus for ten minutes. When they are finally ready, my date decides to go to the liquor store (classy!!!). He has his roommates buy three bottles of wine (this is a perfect demonstration of his pseudo-intellectual bull that he was spewing. He tries to use fancy sommelier terms when describing wine, except they aren’t real wino-adjectives. He however, refuses to admit his mistake).
   We start to watch the movie. However, I am tired and as science has proven, movies make women sleepy. He keeps on trying to get me to drink (yes, that fancy wine he picked up at the store). I keep on saying no. The movie is boring and the guy can’t pay attention. I am exhausted and just want to leave. He keeps on trying to get me to talk, but I am so sleepy I flail about in tangles of incoherent phrases. When the movie is done I finally get to go home where I dream of sugar plums, car chases, sketchy business and a large tundra filled of nameless men trying to get my deepest secrets.

Grade of Match:  B-  (I don't know... He was getting on my nerves, but he was trying so hard)
Grade of Date: B ( Nice job with dinner, but everything that happened after was a bit of a mess)

xoxo Serial Dater

Next time: ???? Is someone going to set me up????